A client recently asked me if I could conduct a workshop on “Saying No” for her staff. When we dug into the details, we uncovered something deeper:
Her team, which serves internal customers, was saying yes to everything—handling every change request, accommodating every expectation, and stretching themselves thin. They rarely pushed back, fearing it might damage their reputation. Their leader wondered: Was this really about excellent customer service, or were they chasing approval at the cost of their well-being?
This isn’t just a workplace issue—it’s also an opportunity to learn how to create more agency in our lives.
A relative, a devoted mother and sister, knows this struggle firsthand. She’s raising her twelve-year-old daughter alone while managing a full-time job. A few years ago, when her brother had a health crisis, she took him in and became his caretaker. Three years later, he’s still living there, with no plans to move out. The burden isn’t as heavy as once, but the strain remains. And she struggles with how to ask him to leave.
Saying no isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s also about our mental well-being and, perhaps surprisingly, how it helps others take responsibility for themselves.
Some of the causes of our difficulty in saying no include the following:
1. Layoffs and AI-driven changes are pushing us all to overextend ourselves, afraid that saying no makes us look disengaged or replaceable. When asked how it’s going, the typical response is “I’m swamped,” and if you’re not, then more work may be coming.
2. Workplace expectations have blurred. Hybrid work was meant to create balance, leading to an “always-on” culture. With many companies calling employees back into the office, people face new pressures to show up in ways they haven’t had to in years or maybe forgotten.
3. In our personal lives, we’re expected to be available 24/7. Whether answering texts immediately, saying yes to every favor, or keeping up with endless digital noise, the pressure to always be responsive keeps our stress levels high.
4. The challenge of conflict: Saying no can create ill will, and we may avoid speaking the truth to minimize the risk of alienating someone else, which is a backward way of wanting everyone to like us.
And all this takes a toll. A 2024 study found that overcommitting is linked to anxiety, depression, and sleeplessness—especially in healthcare workers, where saying no can feel impossible. But this isn’t just a problem for doctors and nurses. It’s a challenge for anyone balancing work, relationships, and well-being.
So, what can we do about it:
1. Reframe “No” as a “Yes” to What Matters to You. Instead of focusing on what you’re turning down, ask yourself what works for you and the other person.
a. The mantra may be, “What is best for me in this situation, and how can I preserve my time and energy?”
b. The second half of that mantra may be “what is best for the requester?” If my relative told her brother it was time to move out, that would be good for her and probably good for him to be back out on his own
2. Call a “Time Out”: People who make unreasonable requests are usually overwhelmed themselves. Slow them down by pressing pause so that both of you can take some time to understand and consider options.
- Use the “Yes, And…” Technique from Improv. This tool keeps the conversation constructive while still setting limits:
a. “Yes, I understand what you need, and right now, I don’t have space on my calendar. Let’s revisit next month.”
b. “Yes, I’d love to help, and I can’t do it now Let’s plan a time for this week when I have some time in my calendar.
Deposit Photos: sixdays24
4. Practice Small. Saying no is problematic because we’re concerned it may create conflict, and most of us are not good at that skill. Start building your capability with easy opportunities:
a. Your new hire keeps sending you questions regarding their onboarding well into the night: Text them back and then tell them in person the next dayown that you don’t respond to routine work stuff after 7 PM.
b. Your teenager always asks for rides at the last minute, assuming you are always available. Tell them they need to let you know by dinner time, or they will need to get their own rides.
5. Remember: No is a Complete Sentence. You don’t owe long explanations. If someone is upset about your boundary, that’s about their expectations—not your requirements.
Saying no is not just about being negative—it’s about saying yes to the right things. The things that matter most to your health, happiness, and success—at work and home.
So, what’s next for you?
Where in your life can you say yes by saying no instead? What worked (or didn’t) work for you?
