Your Life…on the “Back of the Tombstone”
A friend of mine reads obituaries every day. He tells me they’re always the same: everyone looks good in print. Accomplishments are polished, quirks get smoothed out, and the messy, complicated, and less-than-pretty parts rarely make it onto the page.
That got me wondering: what if we wrote our own story while we’re still here to tell it, so that what truly matters to us is passed along to future generations?
That’s where the idea of the Back of the Tombstone, or BOTT, comes in. The front is for names and dates. The back is for the story, the quirks, struggles, loves, regrets, and lessons that make a life real. And unlike an obituary, a BOTT should be written by us while we’re still alive.
When I sketch mine, I don’t list degrees or awards. I write stories. I see myself as a “classic overachiever,” though I also know I’m lazy at heart. In school and at home, I was the first to finish tests and chores, eager to move on to something more fun. I didn’t always produce the highest quality, but I got things done. What balances that tendency is persistence. It’s the quiet strength that pushes me through when motivation wavers, ensuring I finish what I start.
My BOTT also includes my lifelong aspiration to be an athlete. As a kid, I dreamed of basketball stardom. As an adult, I engage in sports through golf, gym workouts, and mindfulness practices. The truth? I’m much more “average” than exceptional. But the camaraderie, joy, and discipline these pursuits bring me are extraordinary. Playing Augusta National with my brothers, twice, along with a seven-day, five-hundred-mile bike ride to raise money in memory of our son, Ken, are memories I cherish.
Other parts of my BOTT tell the story of my marriage to Sheila and the courage it took to step into a family with three children. They also hold the heartbreak of losing two of our adult children, Corinne to breast cancer, Ken to AIDS, and how those losses deepen our love and resilience.
Photo by Randy Tarampi on Unsplash
Joni Mitchell’s iconic Blue album remains the soundtrack to my personal struggles with depression, and empathy, more than intellect, continues to be my most enduring strength.
And my BOTT includes the people I am fortunate to help. One note I treasure came from a former client who told me how I had changed his life. Once a high school dropout, he laughed when I asked what he wanted to be and said, “A physicist, but how could a high school dropout achieve that goal?” I told him, “Let’s figure it out.” Years later, I received a message from him on LinkedIn telling me that he is happily married and is a physics professor, doing cutting-edge research at a Big Ten university. That story reminds me how lucky I am and how meaningful it is to share some of that luck with others.
Looking at my BOTT through this lens of gratitude, I see the same themes showing up: resilience, persistence, curiosity, love, and empathy. These aren’t just memories — they are the patterns that guide me now, and the ones I hope will continue to guide me in the years ahead.
And that’s my invitation to you. Write your own BOTT. Please don’t make it a résumé. Make it a reflection: What shapes you? What sustains you? Who do you impact? What do you want to be remembered for doing in your life?
Photo by Quan-You Zhang on Unsplash
Then think about how you want to share it. Maybe it’s literally engraved on a tombstone. Perhaps it’s a QR code attached to your memorial. Consider how technology is stored and create a document that can be put in place with some future technology we can’t yet imagine. It would be a digital archive that carries your story forward, so that your grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and beyond can know you.
Because someday, our names will shrink to a dash on a family tree. In a hundred or a hundred and fifty years, no one will remember you, but your BOTT will live on.
As for me, mine ends with a line of music. On Blue, Joni sings about longing for escape in her song River. “I wish I had a river I could skate away on.”
My BOTT ends the same way, with a wink: If only I had learned to skate.
Here are some ideas to start your BOTT
1. Gratitude: What’s one piece of good fortune in your life that you never want to forget?
2. Truth: What’s a quirk, flaw, or struggle that shapes you as much as your successes?
3. Impact: Who do you help, and how do you hope they’ll carry your influence forward?
4. What’s Next: Looking at those answers, what’s one value you want to carry more fully into the years ahead?
After all, your BOTT is more than a record of the past; it’s a reminder of how you want to live today.
